Moji težki spomini – My difficult memories

Pozdravčki ❤

 

Se vam kdaj zgodi, da brskate po youtubu, in kar naenkrat vidite video posnetek svoje nekdanje priljubljene pesmi?
To se je meni zgodilo danes.
Vsa ta čustva so spet prišla do mene. Razlog pa je to, da sem včasih poslušala večinoma depresivne pesmi. In ravno danes sem naletela na eno izmed teh pesmi. Nekatere so zelo lepe, ampak v meni se spet prebudijo spomini, na katere se ne spomnim prav rada.

Ena izmed takšnih pesmi je ta : Evanescence – My Immortal 

Nekateri morda že veste, nekateri ne. Pred nekaj leti sem se rešila precej težke bolezni, imenovane depresija. Čeprav ne izgledam, kot dekle, ki je včasih skoraj ves čas jokala, sem na žalost pretrpela precej težke dneve.
Sedaj pa se sprašujem: ,,Gaja, zakaj ti je bilo tega treba??”

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Včasih se vprašam, čemu sem zbolela s takšno boleznijo? Priznam, takrat mi je bilo vseeno za vse. Želela sem ven iz trpljenja.
Ko se sedaj pogledam v ogledalo, v mojih očeh na srečo več ne vidim tiste bolečine, katera je bila v meni skoraj vedno prisotna. Zares sem vesela, da sem prebolela depresijo. Zame je bilo takrat vse črno. Moram pa priznati, da ne vem kdaj točno sem se pozdravila. Nekateri rečejo, da so mi pomagale tablete.
NE. Niso mi.
Nekateri bodo rekli, da so mi pomagali vsi ti pogovori z mojo nekdanjo psihologinjo.
NE. Niso mi.
Pozdravila sem se sama s seboj. Nehala sem se obremenjevati s tem, kaj si mislijo drugi. Začela sem se imeti rada. Nisem več želela končati svojega življenja.
Začela sem ga živeti.

Pesem od Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool , me spomni na dneve, kadar sem sovražila vsak del mojega telesa. Roke imam prekrite z brazgotinami, na katere nisem preveč ponosna.
Nisem bila ”Emo”. Le nisem našla drugega načina, da bi si lahko zadala neko bolečino. Če bi lahko zavrtela čas nazaj, tega ne bi naredila. Pogovorila bi se z osebo, ki bi me razumela. A takrat sem mislila, da nimam nikogar, ki bi me lahko razumel. Mislila sem, da sem čisto sama.
Takrat sem si pomagala tudi s pesmi kot so Bring Me The Horizon – Can You Feel My Heart.
Sedaj mi je muka poslušati takšne pesmi. Ne zato, ker bi jih sovražila, ampak ker se spomnim na vse tiste trenutke, v katerih sem trpela. Takrat pa sem jih poslušala zato, ker so mi pomagale pri bolečinah.
Bolečine pa sem premagovala tudi s kajenjem in občasno alkoholom.

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Ko pogledam zgornjo sliko, vidim dekle, ki je na vsak način želela postati lepa, suha. V njej vidim močno mučenje in bolečino. V obdobju, v katerem sem posnela sliko, sem v malo več kot v enem mesecu, izgubila skoraj 10 kilogramov. Izgubila pa sem jih s pomočjo stradanja in bulimije. Bila sem posušena. Ta pesem se je vrtela največkrat. Bila sem v začaranem krogu iz katerega sem težko našla izhod. Ko pa sedaj pogledam stare slike, vidim, da sem bila zelo suha.

Nekateri si mislite: ,,Kako bo to dekle lahko postalo mama??”.
Da vam povem, močno obžalujem, da sem se ves čas ukvarjala sama s seboj, namesto, da bi uživala svoje življenje. Srčno upam, da moj otrok nikoli ne bo takšen, kot sem bila jaz. Seveda nikomur ne privoščim, da bi doživel takšno izkušnjo, še posebej pa tega ne privoščim mojem otroku.
Nisem več ista oseba, kot sem bila. Sem bolj pozitivna, močna in srečna oseba.
Svojega otroka bom zaščitila pred vsem hudim na tem svetu, saj vem da je en izmed razlogov, da sem zbolela, tudi zlo na našem svetu. Jaz pa se nisem znala obraniti pred njim. Bila sem nemočna. Nisem se znala braniti. 😦

Lana Del Rey pa me spomni na čas, ko sem se zdravila iz vsega hudega. Bilo je težko, a zaradi tega se imam za še bolj močno osebo. Vesela sem, da je vse to za menoj.

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Sedaj redko kdaj pomislim na vse te trenutke, ki sem jih preživela. Zdaj razmišljam samo o tem, kako nam bo lepo, ko bo na svet prišel moj mali sinko. ❤ In kako bom poskrbela, da bo imel vse kar potrebuje. Že sedaj ga imam najraje na celem svetu. ❤
Moje nekdanje bolečine sedaj nadomeščajo moj fant Aljaž, še nerojen sinček, družina in prijatelji. Zakaj bi se še vedno ukvarjala samo sama s seboj? Uspela sem ugotoviti, da nisem sama. Uspela sem ugotoviti, da obstajajo ljudje, ki me imajo radi.

A spomini bodo ostali za vedno. Tega ne more spremeniti nihče. Treba pa se je sprijazniti s preteklostjo in uživati v sedanjosti. ❤
Imejte se radi. Ne se obremenjevati z vsako malenkostjo. 🙂 Na življenje je treba gledati kot na največji čudež, ki se lahko kadarkoli zgodi.

Demi Lovato – Confident ❤

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Bodi lepo,
Gaja ❤

 

_______________________________________________

Hello ❤

 

Have you ever browse on Youtube, and suddenly you see a video clip of your sometimes favourite song?
That happened to me today.
All of these feelings came around again. The reason is, that I used to listen so many depressed songs. And today I found one of this songs. Some of them are beautiful, but some of them awake my memories, which I don’t like to remember.

One of those songs is : Evanescence – My Immortal.

Some of you may know, some of you may already not. A few yeats ago, I recovered from depression. I don’t look like a girl, who cried almost all time. But unfortunately I got through some rough days.
Now I ask myself: ,,Gaja, why did you have to do this?”.

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Somtimes I ask myself, why have I even suffered with depression? I admit, I didn’t care about anything back then. I just wanted pain to stop.
When I look at the mirror today, I don’t see pain in my eyes anymore. I am so happy that I recovered from depression. Back then, I only saw darkness everywhere. But I don’t really know how exactly I get over depression. Some people are telling me it’s because of pills.
NO. They didn’t help me.
Some people will tell me, that psychologist helped me.
NO. She didn’t.
I recovered only because of myself. I stoped worrying about what everybody thinks about me. I started to love myself. I didn’t want to end my life anymore. I started to live it!

The song of Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool , reminds me of the days when I hated every part of my body. My wrists are covered with scars, which I am not proud of.
I wasn’t ”Emo”, I just didn’t found any different way to hurt myself. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t do that. I would talk with a person, who understands me. But back then, I thought that I don’t have anybody. I thought that I am all alone.
Back then I helped myself with songs like Bring Me The Horizon – Can You Feel My Heart . Now I just can’t listen to those songs. But not because I would hate them, but because if I listen to them, I remember all those moments in which I suffered. Back then, I have listening to them, because they helped me with my pain. I helped to release the pain even with smoking and sometimes with alcohol.

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When I look at the picture above, I see a girl, who wanted to be beautiful and skinny. I see darkness and pain in her. When I took that picture, I lost almost 10 kilograms in one month. I lost them with starving and bulimia. I was so skinny. That song was on my playlist. I was in the magic circle and I was trying to found the exit so bad. But now, when I look at the old pictures, I see that I was very skinny.

Some of you are thinking: ,, How the hell is she going to be a mom??”.
Let me tell you, I regret so much that I was bothering just with myself. I truly hope that my child will never be on the same place like I was. Of course, nobody deserves to be on that way.
I am not the same person anymore. I am more positive, strong and happy person. I will protect my child against all cruelty on this world, because I know that one of the reason of my sickness was the evil in our world. I didn’t know how to fight against evil. I was helpless. I didn’t know how to fight. 😦

Lana Del Rey reminds me of the time, when I cured from all the evil. It was hard, but because of that, I told myself that I am even more strong. I am glad that this is behind me.

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Now, I rarely think about all these moments. Now I am thinking about how amazing it will be, when my son will come. ❤ And how I will make sure that he will have everything he’ll need. Even now, I love him the most. ❤
My pain is now replaced by my boyfriend Aljaž, my unborn child, family and my friends. Why would I still be dealing with only myself? I know that I am not alone. I know that there are some people who love me.

But the memories will be there forever. Nobody can change that. You need to live with the past and enjoy with the present. ❤
Love yourself! 🙂 Life is a miracle.

Demi Lovato –  Confident ❤

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Be good,
Gaja ❤

2 thoughts on “Moji težki spomini – My difficult memories

    1. Zivjo:)

      Na zacetku sem se zdravila ambulantno. Zamenjala pa sem kar nekaj psihologinj, ker so mi pogovori pomagali le za tisti dan. Na koncu sem ugotovila, da se s tem ne bom pozdravila. Priblizno dve leti nazaj sem bila na Enoti za motnje hranjenja v Ljubljani, tam pa sem bila skoraj 4 mesece. Je pa dolga cakalna vrsta. Cakala sem 9 mesecev, preden sem bila sprejeta. Mi je bilo pa super, ampak najbolj sem se pozdravila sama, brez zdravil in zdravnikov. 🙂
      Lp❤️

      Like

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